In continuation from my last post, another social situation that truly makes me panic is clubbing. Now I won’t judge people who like to go out and drink, party and dance at Hollywood bars and clubs, but the question that I have been asking myself these past two years is “Why me?” In these last two years of living in the apartments, I have been blessed with a group of suite mates who love to go out and party (although to justify, this year’s group is much better than last year’s since they are always studious and hardworking for the most part). It’s hard because unlike the university dorms, the apartment management won’t have as good as a system of pairing people up based on their personalities and interests; after all, they don’t even have a survey like the university does that asks questions like “Do you want a roommate who drinks or smokes all the time?” They don’t have a physical record and so it is obvious that they won’t remember everyone’s desired lifestyles, I think. I think what I always wanted was a group of friends that didn’t necessarily like to drink or go out to clubs but instead those who like to maybe go out shopping or explore around Southern California. I want those kind of friends who aren’t always itching to go out 24/7, who are always restless, and who won’t feel content simply sitting down on a Friday night, snug in bed, watching Netflix. I want those kind of friends who don’t necessarily always have to engage in small talk but instead in meaningful conversations.
Sometimes, being amongst a group of more social people, you can’t help but stick out like a sore thumb. It’s not that I am always in my room; it’s just I’m a very practical person. If I need to cook or make something or grab a bite to eat, then I will go out to the kitchen and if the timing is right, maybe someone will be out there and we might chat for a bit. If the timing is not right, then oh well. But I won’t always be going out for no reason, you know what I mean? Sometimes, I stick out like a sore thumb because people always see me as working, or maybe watching dramas and not going out as much. I think there’s nothing wrong with not going out on a Friday night all the time; it doesn’t mean I don’t have friends; besides, going out all the time can be a bit tiring, and especially when you have midterms or homework or projects due the next day. People sometimes do ask me, “How can you be okay with not going out and just working?” And sometimes, it looks like I just take to myself, but the thing is, I can’t get it past my conscience when I know I have something due soon and I go out and come back tired. Yes, the feeling of letting free and relaxing for a few hours is exhilarating, but the thought of coming back to a pile of work still left unfinished is not satisfying at all. The thought that you have to do something tomorrow, that there is nothing happy to look forward to anymore, makes you feel deflated inside. I rather that I finish all my work first before really going out, or at least the majority of work, the hard parts, and leave the easiest parts for the next day. Call me traditional, but I believe in the quote “A little progress each day makes all the difference.” I know myself, I know that I will procrastinate the next day if I went out instead of studied, because I still can’t get over that exhilarating feeling, and then the day after, I will still procrastinate. It’s like you are in rehab from drugs; you just don’t want to wake up from the reality of going back to school. You want to keep living the dream, and that’s why I understand why it’s so hard for some people to go back to school after working for so many years.
Anyways, thanks for listening to this little rant. This has been another part that has been bothering me for my college career, and I hope it can help some of you. Again, for those of you that do or know someone with anxiety disorder, how do they or you guys deal with it? Comment below!