Day 24 of Writing-What is my Purpose?

Perhaps, if you haven’t already garnered from my previous social anxiety posts, you would probably know that now and then and for a while, I just didn’t know what my purpose was in life. In some views, I thought I wasn’t a good enough friend-sometimes, I felt I could have been more caring, less selfish and a bit more adventurous. Other times, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my major or life; unlike some people, who had their lives carefully planned out (for example, what service line in accounting they were going to take, why they wanted to pursue that path, etc), I felt like I wasn’t as passionate enough to tell people the answers to those same exact questions. Was I really going for the path I wanted, or was I going there because it was my parents’ idea and because it was, again, safe?

But then, I realized something. Even though I was quiet, shy, and cautious, I think I finally know what my purpose in life really is. It was to ground people, to listen to people, to be there for them, to be their loyal companion; it was to give them a realistic perspective on life- even though I feel like I still act and think immaturely, I guess I do have some thoughts, such as time management, prioritization, working hard, and responsibility, that truly motivate others that they should think that way and act in that direction a bit more frequently. I have always loved listening to people, maybe because I never experienced the things they experienced, or it’s because it’s the fact that stories never define one person. You never expect that a certain person would have dared to do such a thing, or actually had to overcome such obstacles, and when you do learn that, you think more differently about that person.

I guess I should continue being that listener, that loyal companion then. I now believe that part of my journey is to help and listen to people, and I hope that whatever I do, I can at least hopefully make one person’s life better each day.

Photo+Apr+08,+8+50+14+PM

Advertisements

Day 23 of Writing-On Chesil Beach

So this is totally irrelevant to my social anxiety posts recently, but I just had to share this with you guys. This was something that I didn’t know, but today, the first trailer for the movie On Chesil Beach came out, and guys, it looks exquisite. The cinematography is just beautiful-high emphasis on bright and vivid colors, especially the blueness of the sea- and the costume design is gorgeous. Plus, it stars Saiorse Ronan-again, but I’m not complaining because I’m excited for her getting more roles. Another fun fact, On Chesil Beach is actually written by Ian McEwan, the same author who wrote Atonement that Saoirse Ronan also starred in about 8 years ago, when she was just 13 years old! (If you guys haven’t already watched Atonement, do so; it’s another beautiful story about fate and the consequences that come with it) With that, I am going to let you guys feast on the movie poster for now, until it comes out on May 22, 2018.

The link to the video is also here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRRBajXoN4M

 

onchesilbeach-1

Day 22 of Writing-Social Anxiety Disorder #7

Today was just like yesterday. Eerily quiet and no one in the dining room; I’m not a creeper, but I know when people would most likely and not likely be home, and so I’ m just like, “Where did everyone go??” But not going to lie, I am enjoying this peace, and I could use this for a few more days, especially since it has definitely helped me catch up in readings and stuff and I am not prepared to go out and socialize with anyone just yet.

Anyways, I just wanted to write about another part of social anxiety that has bothered me and that I am also trying to change as well. I think I have realized that when I mean change, it’s not going to happen overnight. It might take a few months at least, but I hope that with my constant reminding myself each day, I can gradually become better at it. For some reason, even with the people that I have been familiar with, it’s hard for me to make eye contact with them. Again, I don’t know why. I have noticed that this happened most frequently for me in college when I was handing the cashier my BruinCard to swipe in the dining halls or telling them my order. Sometimes, I think it’s because the person is a guy and I have a thing for ordering with guys because somehow they are either somewhat cute to look at, and I get embarrassingly awkward and shy or it’s because from far off, you can tell they are a bit of the judgmental kind when they look at you. You can see how much I worried about strangers thinking about me, even back then.

Even with family I do it. I do it especially with my dad, and I don’t know why either. Like whenever we talk, I would talk softer in a more high pitch voice with less confidence than with my mom and it would be weird to make eye contact with him. I think it’s because it’s from my childhood, when I was scared of what he might think or do when he learned of something naughty that I did or the constant hand spanking he did as punishment. It might possibly be that these past events have left a bit of a shadow on me or it’s also because compared to my mom and even my mom’s family, my dad and his side of the family have always had an intimidating side. With my dad, he intimidates me maybe because of the past and also because he is a person where it’s hard to say things that might not support his opinion and stuff. Like, you always want to be on his good side or who knows what might happen or whether he would get hurt if you don’t say things that agree with his point of view.

Anyways, just wanted to get that out of my mind. Until next time.

P.S. Next week is Oscars Weekend! OMG I’m so excited! Comment down below who you think should win which award and also which Oscar-nominated movies you have watched and recommend? I have yet to watch Coco…

Day 21 of Writing-#tbt #Pyeongchang Olympics

4 years ago, I remember struggling to search everywhere online for clips of the Sochi Winter Olympics (heck! I even forgot it was in Sochi; I thought it was in Canada!); I had just entered my first year of college and I remember thinking at the time that it sucked to miss out on this once in every four years event, because for the most part, it was a tradition for my family and I to watch the Olympics. For Winter especially, I loved watching figure skating, and that was it. But the thing that stuck out to me at that time, in 2014, was the fact that I kept thinking in my mind, “You know what? In four years, I will be out of college, and I will be able to watch the Olympics again on TV!” Not only that, but when I found out the next Olympics was going to be in South Korea, I leaped at that possibility to be able to go and visit Korea for the sake of this special event. At that time, my mom and I had made a somewhat vague deal of possibly going to Hong Kong and then Pyeongchang.

Yet four years later, here I am, still in college, but not in a dorm anymore, but happier, because I finally got more resourceful and was able to access the Olympics on the NBC website. I swear, four years ago, their website made it hard as hell to watch even little clips; it was even harder to search for them on YouTube, because a) no one posted them and b) NBC probably didn’t want low viewership, so they just made it hard for those clips to be made publicly available that easily.

I must say, the figure skating part of Olympics will always excite me, and this year, it excited me, but for different reasons. First off, I couldn’t help but notice that for both men’s and women’s individual figure skating, at least 2 out of the 3 representatives were Asian American rather than white. That was something, I think probably because it had been a while since I saw an Asian American in figure skating, and especially after figure skating sort of died down for me with the retirements of greats like Sasha Cohen and Michelle Kwan. To be quite honest, the representatives just didn’t stand out as much as those greats did oh so many years ago; I think now, figure skating is starting to be more about nailing difficult jumps; as much as I do like seeing Mirai Nagasu and Karen Chen (the latter of whom does have an artistic presence about her), Mirai is a little bit less artistic and Karen is quite shaky in nailing jumps. The other representative, Bradie, is also great at nailing jumps, but still a bit raw when it comes to the expressive component. Now that both the men’s, pairs, and ice dancing have completed, I do have to say that I was a bit disappointed in the results. It has been a while since the U.S. has placed in men’s and pairs, and for a minute, I thought Nathan Chen would be able to skate a great program, land all his quads, and possibly medal, so it was quite shocking and devastating to hear about his rough short program and team event, where he fell for almost every jump he took. Still, it was nice to see his redemption in the long program, where he ended up placing fifth for the overall total.

I must say, however, that this year was the first year that I truly paid attention to ice dance. I never thought too highly of ice dance, maybe because I thought it wasn’t as exciting or technical to watch, but this year, it was all because of the Shib Sibs. I think I was drawn to them because they were a team of siblings; it’s very rare to see a pair of siblings teaming up together; what’s more, they are good at skating and their positive and fun air that they bring about them because they are siblings just makes it all the more reason to root for them. Anyways, while I wished that they had won gold or silver, I am glad that in the end, they did medal for bronze. I am also glad that I got introduced to the Canadian and French ice dance teams because (especially for the Canadians) boy were they good; what I mean is that they were truly maturely and artistically in the music itself; they added a bit more of their style to the song itself, something that I think the Shibutanis still lack by a teensy tiny bit.

I also have to give another shout-out to Chloe Kim, who won gold medal at age 17 for the women’s halfpipe in snowboarding. Yes! Another Asian American, yes! And for those who haven’t read or watched the interview on the sacrifices and the relationship her father shares with her, go watch it. It’s really moving and it really does reflect the extent that Asian immigrants will go to ensure their children a good future.

Anyway, that’s my thoughts for now. Let me know in the comments below if you guys have watched the Olympics thus far, and if so, which parts do you like the most?

Day 19 of Writing-all is calm

Yesterday, I came back, and all was at peace in the apartment. I know there was at least one person respectively in the other two rooms, but overall, there wasn’t a lot of noise or interaction outside. While it’s a bit weird because you are wondering where did everyone go, at the same time, I needed that peace and quietness. As someone with social anxiety, going out to a social event with more than two or three people can somewhat exhilarate and drain me, and I need time recovering, even though that experience wasn’t as bad as I thought. It’s nice to be able to catch up on readings and not have to worry or somewhat catch yourself listening in on what others are talking outside and wondering whether you should. There is a part of me that is on edge, wondering, when will this peace be shattered? Tomorrow? A few days from now?

On a side note, it’s crazy how I am almost done with my last quarter at UCLA. This year has truly flown by and to be honest, I am ready to move out and not have to deal with midterms and finals anymore. The fact of having to study just exhausts me, and I am glad I won’t have to deal with other drama or crap. Soon, I will be home, in my soft fluffy bed, having a good time with my family until graduation arrives. 🙂

Day 17 of Writing-Social Anxiety #5

So after four extremely depressing posts on my current social anxiety situation, I thought I would lighten up the mood with a more uplifting post. This post is short and sweet, because I will list my favorite songs to listen to whenever I feel down in general, unmotivated, not hopeful (by that, I mean like for instance, I will never get a full-time job) or just socially anxious. After listening to these songs, I do feel better because it either makes me feel and walk more confidently, it erases those bad thoughts, or it changes my mind about how I should view things. The extremely good ones are those that paint the things around me or the current scenery I see as a movie or story, so that as I walk by them, I am suddenly in awe and feel blessed and grateful to see the beauty of it all at that moment. Those are the ones that I will never stop listening to.

  1. On Top of the World-Imagine Dragons (I can’t believe I discovered them that late!)
  2. Not Today-Imagine Dragons (from the movie Me Before You)
  3. 心声,by Cally Kwong
  4. Waving Through a Window, from Dear Evan Hansen (again, how can I be so late!)
  5. What a Feeling, by Irene Cara

For now, these are the top 5 that I can think of! Stand by for updates!

Day 16 of Writing-Social Anxiety #4

So this happened out of the blue, but in honor of Valentine’s Day, or should I say, Singles Awareness Day, my roommate and I have promised 3 other of my suitemates to watch Fifty Shades Freed. OMG, so unlike me right?! First off, I didn’t think they would want to go see this type of movie, but second of all, I just know that this wouldn’t be a good movie to watch. For the two previous movies, reviews have been bad, primarily because of the story and acting, and I mean, do we really want to see all the sex scenes together? But maybe I promised because of the experience; earlier, I did wish that they would ask me to come because I thought they were going to watch another movie; I guess that I should look on the positive side, at least I would get to spend time with them. Now, you also know, I am worried if this social situation would turn out to be like the one on Sunday, where we were all celebrating my suitemate’s  birthday? Would it turn out loud and rowdy and where I would be scared to speak up at all, feeling entirely left out? Or could it be fun, and can I do something a bit more that would make me feel proud(er)? Stay tuned…